Thank you very much for visiting my website, and for your support in whatever way it may be. You have to know how much it means to me that you care enough to try and understand my life and what I've been through. After my family's death and I was locked up, you can't know what it was like to hold such a terrible secret inside when my family and everyone else wanted answers. Answers for what happened, why it happened, how could I hurt the people that loved me the most, and for the pain as well as the emptiness now in all our lives. What they didn't know was that I was trying to figure out myself what happened and why, trying to figure out this new world, new prison I'm in and doing it all alone. In a place where you can trust no one, where people play games and use each other constantly, where the strong sexually abuse the weak daily, I had to figure out who I was and who I wasn't.
I rarely talked to anyone and was teased constantly over the fact that I killed my sister, who everyone said would be a great lay. Heartless, yes, a place full of people that feed on others pain and feel better about themselves when they can make you feel even worse. Over the years, it has been figuring out these people and their games that helped me recognize the lies and games that had been played on me all my life. I also had people that have written from all over the country, and they have helped me continue to grow with their love and support. People have shared their pain, their own experiences, and while I didn't have all the answers in my life, it helped me to help others. I had no idea that help would, in turn, help me heal, because people wrote me hoping I would understand. To help them, I had to look back at my life, and slowly I began to put the pieces together. What had made me
a choice to be abused? What was missing in my life so the abuser had a way in?
Did I bring it on myself? Did I deserve it? Why didn't I end it or anyone help me? These are only a few questions of the thousands I asked myself, and everyone that's been abused asked me. I thank everyone for taking the time to reach out to me, because you have helped me find who I am at heart. You helped me grow up and learn about life, and that I can help people who've been abused or hurt in ways different than my own because we can all relate. My family was there for me even when they didn't understand, and it's their unconditional love that's given me courage all along. The people running this site believe in me and my heart because they've come to know me, and they believe I deserve another chance. All of us agree that what happened was wrong, and I miss my family more than anyone. It's my family and these friends that comfort me now, but in my heart I so wish I could be held by my mother, sit down and really talk to my dad, and laugh with my sister. To say your support, love, and all the efforts you put forth means a lot is nothing short of an understatement. Without their help, without your help, I would be lost in the system until the day I died regardless of who I really am.
A lot of people wonder how I came to be abused and why it lasted for so long, and for the benefit of others, I want to share that with you. I first want to apologize to my family if what I say embarrasses them, to people that knew my parents and don't want negative things said, and to my mom, dad, and sister for being so lost and deceived that I came to believe they were the reason for it all. My father raised me the best way he knew how, the way his father raised him; strict and with values. When I made mistakes, didn't perform to his expectations, or got in trouble as all kids do, I got punished. That punishment varied in degrees because of all the stress he was under, the ends he had to meet, and frustration over my failure to be all he felt I should be. Now I can see that, but back then I was terrified of him, and the punishment turned to beatings my mother would have to hide from others. I was the outlet for his anger at times, and in those times I was beaten with whatever was handy. Nothing was ever good enough, or so I felt, and I came to look forward to his leaving on the big truck for the week. Since he was on the road a lot trying to provide, as any good father would, I was in need of some positive direction that a friend of the family would provide. I joined the Cub Scouts and in time came to know Jack Walls, a friend of the family and of many families in Lonoke. My father thought it was wonderful that I could be part of a group to learn about the outdoors, respect and honor, work on guns (Jack was a gun collector and had all kinds of things), and learn to shoot them. Guy stuff my dad had little time to share, and for me at the time and because of the beatings, the less time spent with my dad, the better. I had been broken inside by him, the man I so wanted to be proud of me and be my hero, but by the age of 8 or 9, feared him as a beaten dog would. The sound of his voice made me tremble and when he came home on weekends, my name was screamed shortly thereafter. I can recall being so eager to have him congratulate me for what I'd done during the week, then be screamed at, slapped and beaten for what I'd done wrong. The scouts gave me a place to play with others with my likes, and Jack had all the things boys dream of to enjoy. Shooting, campouts, fires and cookouts, we even got to blow up beaver dams. Looking back I can see now it was all bait, because Jack knew all our parents, knew the kids that needed praise and attention the most, and he became what each of us needed most. In my case it was a friend, someone to praise me and point out my strengths;
a father figure that could spend time with me and me be able to look up to him in admiration. Back then I never realized what was happening, but over the years I've come to realize just what was done, how, and why. Jack Walls was a very smart man, loved by parents, trusted by all. He had parents willing to place their kids in his trust and care, but that was because of the person he'd worked so hard to construct for them. All us boys loved Jack for the things we got to do, and Jack built his trust with us as well. Not hard with kids, ya know, we were all so innocent and young, eager to please and experience things, sheep with no shepherd that a wolf could destroy at will. It began all so innocent and Jack was our friend, but then things began to take a twist. Jack introduced us to alcohol, porn, and began talking to us about our lives. The alcohol loosened our tongues, and around campfires made for ghost stories we told every detail of our lives. Talked about friends, families and problems at home, girls and who had done what with whom, and of course we
were all curious about sex. The porn came out and we were taught about touching ourselves, and that it was ok to be touched. None of us had ever seen naked pictures, drank, felt pleasure, how could this be wrong? Jack wouldn't do anything that wasn't ok, right? Jack would measure us, and compare, had boys touch each other and perform acts on each other, and Jack would touch and perform on us. It was all we had ever been exposed to, so what did we have to compare it to make us think it was wrong? We were doing the stuff our parents would never let us do, and if we ever asked Jack for anything, we would get it. All the while Jack was talking to our parents, finding out what problems were going on with us at home, and give his promise to our parents he'd help all he could. I didn't know it then, but he was pulling us all in close and setting it up so we would push everyone else out of our lives, everyone but Jack. While listening to our stories around the campfire, he would tell us he understood our problems and our parents didn't, that he was proud of me and would talk to my dad about being so rough on me, that I had him
if I had no one. While talking to our parents, he would tell them to be more strict,
we were being rebellious and hard headed, and our lives fell apart more. The only thing we had right was Jack, the only one that cared and wouldn't beat me, and
we all could tell he was telling the truth when he said he loved us. How could our parents love us and be so hard on us? Here was Jack praising us, showering us in praise, helping us enjoy what our parents wouldn't, and I fell right in. He would build us up and break us down, we would be abused, yet we got so much of what we lacked at home. For me, I was faced with a father that beat me it seemed like constantly and whom I feared, and Jack became all I wished my father would be. What's abuse? Beatings or sexual pleasure? Put yourself in my shoes, what would you feel like? Who would you tell? My father beat me and my mother tried to cover it up so we wouldn't be talked about as a family, all I had was the other boys like
me who were 11 or 12, and Jack who was in his 40's. So time went by and Jack continued his campouts, or we would go to his house and play with his guns or watch porn on his TV. He made us drinks and we were just buddies doing whatever. As I grew older, he would still give me advice on family issues, but he also told me what to do with girls, what to wear and do on dates, everything in my life Jack had an answer for. Now, I can see he made sure he was the center of every answer and was in total control.
I would have a drink and tell him all he wanted to know, but sometimes he sat in his chair, a light shining in my eyes, and he picked me apart piece by piece. I couldn't even talk to my parents, didn't want to be anywhere around them, but I made good grades and was active in sports. To everyone outside, they'd think I had the perfect life, but on the inside, I didn't trust anyone and was angry at the world. The relationships I did have were sexual as Jack directed, and I was always told he loved me. How could my father love me and beat me like he did? Jack was always forcing me to look at how terrible everyone else treated me, and I couldn't even see what he was doing to me inside. Back then, the abuse was mixed with pleasure and that confused it, but now I can see a man that liked to have sex with little boys took advantage of me because I told him what I needed in my life. I trusted him and told him all I dreamed and wanted, and to get what he wanted he became all of it for me. My whole life I lived a lie, I believed my father hated me and I was worthless,
I believed Jack was all I had and that he loved me, and I believed all Jack told me because he made sure I believed he was all I had.
It took my life falling apart, my need to be loved more than even Jack gave, my anger boiling over to make me tell my mom and sister what my relationship with Jack really was. Even in the end, when I had told on him, I still couldn't not protect my father, my friend, my everything. I had been used, trained to protect and serve, directed and told how to feel, and in the end made to feel like I had betrayed him.
I had hurt him, I had betrayed him when I was his favorite and finest creation, I had created a problem and had to solve it. Jack's words were, "You've created a problem and now you solve it"!! And when we had a problem, according to Jack,
we killed it, we'd all been taught that all along. I shot my family in a rage of pain and anger, believing they would take away all I had ever known and had, they would take away Jack, and in doing so, I took away more than I could have ever imagined. Now, here I sit in prison, finally knowing the truth. It took losing Jack to realize I had lost all because of him, and that I was just another game he'd played. A child, and later a child in a man's body, that wanted to be loved, needed, and wanted, that was drawn in by a pedophile.
My hope in saying all this is that parents will spend more time with their kids, and love them the way they need to be loved; that parents will make sure they really know the people they trust their children with. Teach your kids to come to you about everything, make time to listen when there is none, and teach those kids what's real and right so they do have something to protect them. If you beat your kids remember what you could be doing to them inside, because that could be the door someone uses to get in. Every relationship I had was screwed up because I was so lost and confused, so help your kids learn what real love is.
Thank you,
Heath Stocks
.gif){kind=small}
